writing doc. 3 began as opportunity to inform, but has developed into something therapeutic for me. I now have the opportunity to express a personal struggle, an opportunity to watch my thoughts manifest into organized written word. I will describe my own experience as a combat veteran and college. I begin everyday as many do, I have the common inability to wake up and quickly become motivated. I may differ a little because every morning I wake up in chronic pain, labored breathing and sadly the largest hindrance is a damaged mind. I am filled with doubt of self and existence. I know how lucky I am because what I'm suffering from is less severe than so many unfortunate others. On an average I get 3 hours of sleep, it is not uncommon for me to remain awake for days. I start to contemplate on why, why do I bother trying, why do I want to even go on, my first waking thoughts are ones of regret, things I should have done, things I should have not done, regret of what I use to be and what I have become. I go through these motions and realize I'm living not only for myself but for my beautiful wife next to me. This woman who has sacrificed so much to be with me, an angel who has stuck by me through all the disfunction that I have caused and subjected her to. Through all the illnesses, all the stresses that a military spouse deals with, she continues to endure, love and support me. I kiss my wife on the forehead every morning before leaving the bed. A strong motivational factor in my life is I also have a strong desire to help treat veterans, and the only way i can accomplish that is through college. When I'm attend classes I regularly feel out of place, socially awkward and uncomfortable. I have this undeserved sense of superiority, entitlement and can also be severely judgmental. I know I have these feeling because of my time in service, I think of what I have done, what I have survived, what I have accomplished, all that I have witnessed for this country that can at times feel ungrateful. I often feel anger of how lost this generation is, how rude and undisciplined so many of my fellow students are. I know my perception of the world around me is not always warranted or accurate and needs to be changed. I find it difficult to retain information learned, I struggle with staying focused, and I deal with chronic health issues and pain. My headaches restrict my ability to concentrate, and the pill buffet that I'm required to consume, can often cause my thoughts to be clouded. I have learned how to overcome these minor ailments that I face and consciously make an effort to get better and be better, so that i can be a successful student.
Though I'm not a veteran, I too have dealt with psychological trauma in my life. I can empathize with how you're describing the way you feel. Sometimes the way you write so personally on your blog can be a bit scary to tackle for the reader, but I'm going to give it a go!!
ReplyDeleteMy experience happened to be during my pre-teen and teen years, which creates a huge impact on a person because of the psychological development that is still occurring at that time and is still continuing throughout your early 20's. I had a very hard time at first and experienced many of the same symptoms that you describe in your post. I know it wasn't the exact same thing that you saw and felt being in the military, but PTSD is PTSD regardless of the trauma. I found that focusing on a different reason for continuing to live was the only thing that kept me going at first. I did this through my job and, most importantly, my children. You seem to be doing the same thing with your appreciation for your wife. That's a great start. Even though I did that, I still self-destructed every chance I got. I felt that I wasn't good enough for anything positive in my life. I married an emotionally abusive man that ended up becoming physically abusive to my child. That's when I decided that enough was enough and that even if I didn't deserve better, my children did. The first time he hurt one of my babies I packed up our stuff and walked out of the door!
From that time forward I began to really live. I decided that I would take control of my life. I became a completely different person. Once I began a journey in which I was the person in control, my life started to come together. I don't relive my trauma nearly as often, and fewer things now trigger the thoughts of that time. That was almost ten years ago, and all I can say is that it does get easier. The emotional pain lessens and the flashbacks get fewer and further between.
It seems that you're beginning the process of taking control of your own life by furthering your education. I'm also sure that when you get to the point that you can help your fellow veterans you will help yourself to heal further. My experiences began 22 years ago and ended 19 years ago and still some days are more challenging than others. As the saying goes "Time Heals All Wounds," hopefully that's true.
**Check out this book, it may help a little. It's written by a veteran who is also dealing with PTSD. http://seriouslynotallright.com/
**Also check out The Longman Writer, p.275-278. It's a series of blog posts ("Army of Dude") written by Alex Horton, a 29 year old veteran of Iraq. He discusses going to college from a veteran's point-of-view. Maybe these resources can help. It always helps to know that you're not alone with the feelings that you're suffering.
thank you for sharing I appreciate you taking the time to respond with something personal
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ReplyDeleteI am truly humbled by this exchange between you two. As far as I am concerned, this is the best that blogging can be, and I wish that all students had read this.
ReplyDeleteDo you mind if I share this with the other students on Google+ and recommend that they read it?
I do not mind
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